There are many things in our lives that may serve as the impetus for a renewed “Self-Development Effort,” or what I’ll refer to as an “SDE.” A New Year’s resolution, a promotion, taking on a new professional position, perhaps a significant life change or family transition, just to name a few. Like most, I can reflect on scores, if not a few hundred “SDEs” in my life. What I have learned is that with each new SDE, there is often a compelling need to do something new in order to grow—often this new activity or mindset seems foreign, or maybe even a bit uncomfortable and unpleasant.
Trying something new may not seem to “work for you” or resonate on the first attempt. Often, we may approach a new SDE with bias or a forgone conclusion that it is “not for me.” I have been guilty of this many times and have only recently tried a series of SDE activities that did not, at first contact, seem useful, but with an open mind and repetition, I began to see value for my personal self-development.
I’ve talked before with many of my clients and teammates about “being comfortable in an uncomfortable situation.” I’ve got to say, I’m in the midst of the most “uncomfortable transition” in my entire life.
About three years ago, after serving 32 years in the active duty Air Force, I elected to retire in order to serve as my spouse’s (Mary) primary caregiver in the end game of her 20+ year battle with brain cancer. I am now facing a new transition after she passed away about three months ago.
These last six months of caring for my wife in her final days and now mourning her loss is the hardest mission I’ve ever encountered in my life.
Facing my grief has led me to take chances and risks, exposing my vulnerability, as I seek new approaches to move forward without Mary’s physical presence as my life partner and wingman.
I have tried mental health counseling, grief counseling, participation in grief and caregiver support groups, mindfulness and meditation, yoga, and other approaches that I previously considered “touchy-feely” and a waste of time.
With many of these new endeavors, I did not initially see value added, but after giving them a chance and learning I can take “pieces” of each one of these approaches and apply them in a way that benefits me personally, I am making some small, positive, and constructive steps.
The most significant and impactful experience for me was trying mental health counseling when I first left active duty and having a very negative experience with my first counselor. This experience confirmed my bias that this counseling was never going to be something useful for me. A year or so later, when my challenges of transition from active duty combined with serving as Mary’s caregiver started to become too much for me to handle on my own, I realized I needed to try and get help again. This time, I met a Veteran’s Affairs counselor that really seemed to “get me” and I have gained so much perspective and insight I would have never discovered on my own as a result of regular, more standard engagements.
As I have worked to manage this transition personally, I have put most of my professional pursuits on hold to care for myself physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. I have found that experimenting with various self-development activities with an open mind has put me on course to now start to focus more time and effort on setting a path for my professional and leadership development in this “new normal” phase of life.
Everyone’s path of self-development is unique, and we must all blaze our own way forward, but the key is having the self-awareness to seek new tools and ideas as we make our way. Don’t be afraid to try a new approach and give it a solid try before discarding it. You may be surprised at what you discover!
Authored By: Dirk Smith, Managing Director