Attempting to project happiness to my family with my rapidly approaching deployment, I intended to make my little girl smile. My intent was pure, then she ripped my heart out and drop-kicked it across the kitchen.
As a leader, be cautious not to mistake empathy for understanding. It is critical to have a clear understanding of the impact you have on others. To gain such insight often requires uncomfortable conversations and humble reflection.
per·cep·tion: /pərˈsepSH(ə)n
noun - a way of regarding, understanding, or interpreting something; a mental impression.
In the SEAL Teams, I was taught the adage; "perception is reality." In the "Teams," it was an easy metaphor to apply. At home, however, I was about to learn an invaluable lesson about life and other's perceptions of you, from my soon to be thirteen-year-old daughter.
It was late September, and I was just a few days away from deploying to Afghanistan again. Unfortunately, my training and deployments seemed to line up with my daughter's mid-October birthday. This time was no exception. But, for her thirteenth birthday, I had a plan to make it alright, or so I thought.
We had gifts, a few of her friends, and of course, ice cream and cake. The cake is where it all went downhill. The candles were lit, and we were singing her the birthday song with jubilation, smiles, and cheer. Yet, as my daughter was blowing out the candles, she couldn't hide the tears that were now running down her face. You could have heard a pin drop as she blew out the candles.
"Sweetheart, what is wrong? Why are you so sad? We are celebrating your birthday. You are supposed to be having fun! I know that I am deploying soon, but let's not think of that today, shall we." I said softly in her ear as I hugged her tightly.
She pushed me away gently. "Do you know how many of my actual birthdays you have been home for?" She threw right back at me with a piercing wet stare. The seriousness of her expression is one that I had never seen before in my soon to be teenagers' face. It hit me like a lightning bolt.
I looked at her as humbly and caring as I could muster and said, "no." She held up her fingers, tears still streaming down her cheeks, and said, "THREE! Three Dad. You have been home for three of my birthdays as far as I can remember!"
She leveled me with that statement; I was stricken with a grief that I had never experienced before. I realized immediately that I had been ignoring, and perhaps in denial about the impact, my job was having on my family.
Her perception becomes my reality...
I thought that making her birthday celebration a priority would make it ALL better. Oh, brother, was I wrong. She perceived that being a Navy SEAL was more important to me than she was. All the work I did to create a sense of harmony for my family was lost at that moment. The lack of control of my schedule held little weight with my daughter. The fact that my little girl perceived that she didn't matter as much in comparison to my job brought me into HER reality. Tearing my heart out was powerful medicine, and she and I have been able to speak plainly about our feelings with one another ever since.
Perception is reality.
This powerful proclamation has served me well over the last three decades. It has saved my butt a few times and has also protected my reputation. Reputation being the pinnacle of equity in the SEAL teams is what I focused on, more substantial than my reputation within my own family. My daughter's perception of me helped to bring gravity to my relationship with my family and my team. I thought I had it all taken care of. Wrong. The lesson that I learned from her was invaluable, and as a leader in the SEAL Teams, I have shared this story countless times in an aim to help others learn from my myopia.
When faced with adversity and stressful decisions, we often make assumptions that others have an understanding of our approach. Don't make assumptions when it comes to your relationships with the important people in your life (personal or professional). I am talking about the perception people around you have of you and or your team's behavior, culture, etc. Often, we have our "own" sense of reality, and we believe that we communicate our thoughts clearly. When, in fact, if we are not sensitive to the perspective of the people that we are communicating with, they often hear something completely different.
Today, leaders having high Emotional Intelligence (EQ) is hugely important. To create a cohesive and growth-minded team, you must engage with them from the ground from which they see you. To be self-aware is critical, and to have the depth and courage to peer into how others are perceiving your impact on them is powerful. It also creates the most essential ingredient for a high performing team; TRUST!
Authored By: Bob Newman, Managing Director