Self-awareness is one of the most important things in being a leader worth following, particularly if seeking to be known as a true servant leader. Knowing your strengths, weaknesses, and even your emotional vulnerabilities is vital to successfully “walk your talk” as a leader. At this point in my life, career, and journey as a leader, I can reflect upon and share my levels of self-awareness, struggles, and successes with three critical leadership killers – pride, judgment, and comparison.
I hope that the lessons I have learned and the scars I have earned might help other aspiring leaders effectively deal with these issues.
Killer #1 - Check your ego – it is not about you.
Pride
Pride is the ultimate killer, often silent, but always deadly, just like other things that cause an awful stink! As a leader, it can be very easy to let our successes, recognition, accomplishments, title, etc., cloud our thinking and enable us to begin to think that it is about us. We may feel that it is about our skills, knowledge, network, and abilities; you name it, it is about us. In some ways, all of the things that we bring to the table as individuals and leaders are important, but make no mistake, it isn’t about you. I have unfortunately fallen victim to this trap myself. I have also witnessed other leaders who have lost sight of this fact and let their ego and pride diminish or destroy what otherwise would have been amazing things.
For anyone who has served in the military or been a part of a winning team, you know that being humbled as a leader and team member can pay exponential dividends. Regardless of your title or role on a team or organization, approaching your position as a leader with humility and a view that being in a leadership role is truly a gift and a tremendous, sacred responsibility will serve you well.
You may be familiar with the Proverb - “Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall.” Merriam-Webster defines haughty as blatantly and disdainfully proud: having or showing an attitude of superiority and contempt for people or things perceived to be inferior. Who would ever want to follow a leader like that?
The best, and maybe only, true antidote for pride and a haughty spirit is humility. Humility comes from the Latin word humilis, which literally means low. Being humble does not mean thinking lowly of yourself. I believe the key to being humble is not thinking less of yourself but simply thinking about yourself less. If your focus as a leader is on serving others and working to ensure that every individual you are responsible for feels safe, heard, valued, challenged, and supported, I am confident that those you serve will know that it isn’t about you.
Killer #2- Don’t judge - you never know someone else’s reality.
Judgment
I grew up in a home where judging others was an accepted activity, almost to the point of being a sport. I entered adult life with a jaundiced eye towards most things based on that worldview that was part of my upbringing. I was very quick to judge others, particularly those in leadership positions. I was poisoned by my ego and pride that influenced how I saw others and perceived the world. It took me a long time to first understand and then unravel and reprogram the well-worn thought patterns that had been seared into my mind.
Unfortunately, I believe the proliferation of social media has highlighted our natural tendency as humans to judge others. We make assumptions about people based on what we see, read, and hear, often without any context or an accurate view “behind the curtain” of their life to see all that is going on in their world. I have found that reminding myself that I have not earned the right to judge anyone about anything has helped me reframe how I perceive and respond to the world. Only when I was able to humbly view my faults, mistakes, shortcomings, etc., in clear focus did it empower me and free me from the trap of constantly judging.
Here are a few quick questions for you to do some self-evaluation on how prone you are to judging:
Do you sit in meetings or on calls and constantly think to yourself while someone else is talking or sharing?
· “Why are they doing x like that?”
· “They are clueless.”
· “I would do x like this.”
· “Who put them in charge?”
· “How did this person even get this job/title/role/responsibility?”
If these or similar thoughts are the soundtrack playing in your mind, then you are likely sitting on your petty throne of judgment. Would you say the things you are thinking out loud and to the face of the person you are judging in the presence of others? If not, you should check your motives and seek to understand the root cause of your mindset. How would you feel if someone else said, or even thought, the same things about you?
Killer #3- • Don’t compare – own your journey.
Comparison
I have had the honor to serve as a mentor for nearly 150 transitioning veterans and spouses over the past few years. One theme in every conversation is the guidance to avoid comparison at all costs. I am not saying that critical evaluation, rankings, etc. are inherently wrong; it is more the internal analysis and non-productive self-talk that generally follows comparing your situation (choose your comparison metric – title, $, opportunity, lifestyle, family, etc. – the list can be endless) with others.
The comparison problem started after I transitioned from the Marine Corps after serving nearly seven years as an infantry officer. When I entered the civilian sector, I felt like I was “behind” in my career - behind my peer group from college, behind members of my own family, behind where I thought I would be in terms of my life goals, etc. However, what I have learned over the years is that I was never behind. My journey is just that, my journey. Where I am at is where I am supposed to be right now.
I have worked hard to retrain my mind to stop comparing myself to others, to artificial goals and expectations that I had that were unrealistic, and to the expectations of others. Over time, I have tamed the comparison voices in my head and have grown comfortable owning my journey, the decisions I have made, and the paths that I have chosen. Do I have regrets? Absolutely. I believe that is simply part of being human. Would I change the journey if I could go back? Not likely. With so much more clarity now, I see how every change, every success, every struggle has provided some small part of the mosaic of my life that continues to evolve and build towards my ultimate goals in life.
If you find yourself comparing yourself to someone else, stop. I have found that spending time in reflection and proactively expressing gratitude for all the things in my life, both good and bad, help me to avoid the comparison trap.
Authored By: Bryan J. Stewart, Director